Produced for women and women-like entities on discord and to keep me off the horrors of recipe websites.

Dependencies #

Tools #

• Oven
• Cooktop
• Clean work surface
• Stand mixer + bread hook xor large mixing bowl
• Sauce pan
• Sheet pan (maybe 2 depending on size)
• Soft spatula
• Kitchen towel xor paper towel
• Bench scraper xor pizza cutter xor sharp knife and cutting board
• Spider spoon xor strainer
• Silicone baking sheet xor parchment paper and grease

Ingredients #

Measure by weight for optimal results

• 500g unbleached all-purpose flour (divided 400g + 100g)
• 375mL warm water (~40° ± 2°)
• 15g unsalted butter - melted but cool
• 15g sugar¹
• 7g instant² yeast (standard packet)
• 6g salt

Additional items:

• All-purpose flour for your work surface + fixing the dough if need be)
• Arbitrary amount of fancy-ass salt or cinnamon sugar or something for topping.

Alkaline Solution #

• 55g/L ratio of sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) to water.

Make dough #

1. Activate yeast by gently mixing water, sugar, and yeast. Let it sit for ~5 minutes (until it gets foamy).
2. Start mixing in the salt, butter, and 400g flour.

• If using a stand mixer
  • Set bread hook to low and run for 1 minute.
  • If needed, scrape down sides of bowl into the dough.
  • Beat on low speeds until the dough comes together (~2 min).
• If working by hand
  • Knead the dough until it starts coming together
  • Add the remaining 100g of flour
  • Continue to knead until dough comes together.
• If dough is extremely sticky, add around 30g more flour. If dough is not coming together whatsoever, drip in very tiny amounts of water until it does.

3. Knead the dough to make sure everything is together well.

• If using a stand mixer beat on low-medium speed for ~2 mins.
• If working by hand Knead for an additional ~2-5 mins.

4. Allow dough to rest covered by towel for 10-30 mins.

• Do not attempt to proof it; it just needs to chill.

Prepare to cook #

Bonus trick: as according to a friend, baking the baking soda before the bath produces a much better crust and coloration.

1. Begin preheating oven to 200°.
2. Set out sheet pans with silicone baking mats or greased parchment paper.
3. Prepare alkaline solution in sauce pan and begin to boil.

Shape pretzels #

1. Transfer dough onto lightly floured³ work surface. Cut into smaller pieces for ease of work.
2. Begin rolling dough into a rope form. Cut again if needed as you quickly realize how much of a devious little trickster volume is.

• Start by rolling each section from the middle outwards with the palm of your hand until it forms a snake.

3. Actually cut rope into ~3.5-5cm chunks about 2cm in diameter. Place to the side.
4. If the dough is getting difficult then your pet dough is tired. Give her a break.

• Stop what you’re doing
• Lightly cover dough with towel
• Come back in 10 minutes and see if she’s feeling more relaxed.

Cook #

1. Bring alkaline solution to boil.
2. Place bites in solution for around 10-15⁴ seconds. Quickly season them while they are still wet.

• Make sure the pieces are separated as they might fuse together.
• At this point, you can cover and refrigerate for up to a day if you do not intend to bake them now.

3. Bake in oven until golden brown (~15 mins)

Preserving and Reheating #

• Raw dough can be refrigerated for up to a day or frozen in an airtight container for 2-3 months. Thaw dough in refrigerator overnight. Let sit at room temperature for an hour before cutting and boiling.
• Boiled dough can be refrigerated for up to 24 hours before baking.
• Baked bites can be frozen for up to 2-3 months. To reheat, place in oven at 175° for ~10 minutes. You can microwave them but like… don’t.